Today I had an emotional meltdown. In front of my friends.
Lately I feel off and I can't put my finger on what the problem is. Perhaps I'm under some sort of spiritual attack. Maybe it's just burnout. Or even just a healthy dose of self-condemnation; way too much guilt being piled onto my heart.
Wiping tears from my eyes I blurted out the words:
"I'm not supposed to be this way!"
"I'm supposed to be stronger!"
"I'm supposed to have it all together!"
Am I really "supposed" to be all of those things?
Whether I like it or not, when I started this online writing journey two years ago, I stepped into the public eye. I gained a following of readers and many of you have become dear friends.
When I write for God's glory or I share about how I'm applying my faith in motherhood and marriage, by default I'm sort of stepping into a leadership role. The role of an encourager to other women traveling down roads I've already navigated, or to those who stand beside me wondering...what in the world should I do about this...?
It's a lot of pressure from the seat of "Christian SuperMom" and "Christian Author" to feel like I always need to be perfect.
Because I'm not.
Authenticity is really really important to me. I strive to grow better, stronger, and more Christ-like every single day, but the truth is no matter how close I may get (which will still be far beyond my reach) I'll never be as good as Jesus, and I will always be flawed.
So I really need you to know a few things about me...
I really need you to know...
...I'm a mess!
...I'm not always a wise woman building up her home.
...I fail as a wife and as a mother very regularly.
...I don't know all there is to know about Christian faith. I'm still learning. Constantly learning.
...I strive for perfection in every area of life and beat myself up emotionally when I fail to be flawless.
...I have deep emotional scars that are known to surface from time to time, knocking me off my woman-of-faith feet.
...I try to be everything to everyone because it's who I am as a people pleaser, but sometimes I really wish everyone else could/would be everything for me. Selfish, I know.
...I'm a sinful woman who continually messes up, even when I try so hard not to. And truthfully, some days I don't really try all that hard not to mess up.
Some of you may be looking for the UnSubscribe button right about now and if that's you, I'm so sorry to send you running the other direction.
There's a reason I want you to know all of this about me.
I'm fairly confident that unless you profess to live as a modern day Pharisee (very legalistic in your faith, claiming to do no wrong) you are also incredibly flawed. Which means you need someone to come alongside you and love you through this thing called life.
Friends, be encouraged when you're visiting my websites or you're reading one of my blog posts or engaging with me in Facebook or on Twitter; I'm not perfect and neither is my life.
What I can promise you is I'm a broken, flawed mess of a woman in need of a Savior (Thank you, Jesus!), forever grateful for God's grace and unending love. And I'm always striving to grow closer to Him!
I don't ever want you to feel you aren't worthy or good enough to share your thoughts, experiences, or questions with me. Chances are, I've been there too!
Consider me a friend. Or don't. Either way, know I'm just an ordinary Christian mom sharing the heart of her journey through a life of motherhood, marriage, and faith. Hoping to bless and encourage you along the way. All for God's extraordinary purpose!
I pray you'll continue to join me on the path...
All for Him,