Today I had an emotional meltdown. In front of my friends.
Lately I feel off and I can't put my finger on what the problem is. Perhaps I'm under some sort of spiritual attack. Maybe it's just burnout. Or even just a healthy dose of self-condemnation; way too much guilt being piled onto my heart.
Wiping tears from my eyes I blurted out the words:
"I'm not supposed to be this way!"
"I'm supposed to be stronger!"
"I'm supposed to have it all together!"
Am I really "supposed" to be all of those things?
Whether I like it or not, when I started this online writing journey two years ago, I stepped into the public eye. I gained a following of readers and many of you have become dear friends.
When I write for God's glory or I share about how I'm applying my faith in motherhood and marriage, by default I'm sort of stepping into a leadership role. The role of an encourager to other women traveling down roads I've already navigated, or to those who stand beside me wondering...what in the world should I do about this...?
It's a lot of pressure from the seat of "Christian SuperMom" and "Christian Author" to feel like I always need to be perfect.
Because I'm not.
Authenticity is really really important to me. I strive to grow better, stronger, and more Christ-like every single day, but the truth is no matter how close I may get (which will still be far beyond my reach) I'll never be as good as Jesus, and I will always be flawed.
So I really need you to know a few things about me...
I really need you to know...
...I'm a mess!
...I'm not always a wise woman building up her home.
...I fail as a wife and as a mother very regularly.
...I don't know all there is to know about Christian faith. I'm still learning. Constantly learning.
...I strive for perfection in every area of life and beat myself up emotionally when I fail to be flawless.
...I have deep emotional scars that are known to surface from time to time, knocking me off my woman-of-faith feet.
...I try to be everything to everyone because it's who I am as a people pleaser, but sometimes I really wish everyone else could/would be everything for me. Selfish, I know.
...I'm a sinful woman who continually messes up, even when I try so hard not to. And truthfully, some days I don't really try all that hard not to mess up.
Some of you may be looking for the UnSubscribe button right about now and if that's you, I'm so sorry to send you running the other direction.
There's a reason I want you to know all of this about me.
I'm fairly confident that unless you profess to live as a modern day Pharisee (very legalistic in your faith, claiming to do no wrong) you are also incredibly flawed. Which means you need someone to come alongside you and love you through this thing called life.
Friends, be encouraged when you're visiting my websites or you're reading one of my blog posts or engaging with me in Facebook or on Twitter; I'm not perfect and neither is my life.
What I can promise you is I'm a broken, flawed mess of a woman in need of a Savior (Thank you, Jesus!), forever grateful for God's grace and unending love. And I'm always striving to grow closer to Him!
I don't ever want you to feel you aren't worthy or good enough to share your thoughts, experiences, or questions with me. Chances are, I've been there too!
Consider me a friend. Or don't. Either way, know I'm just an ordinary Christian mom sharing the heart of her journey through a life of motherhood, marriage, and faith. Hoping to bless and encourage you along the way. All for God's extraordinary purpose!
I pray you'll continue to join me on the path...
All for Him,
Rosann Cunningham
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Of course I'm not going to unsubscribe!
(((hugs)))
Awww...thanks Kenya!
Rosann Cunningham recently posted..I Really Need You to Know…I’m Not Perfect
We are all broken! We are born into a sinful world and the enemy is always ready to attack. Thanks be to prayer, encouragement from others and the Holy Spirit, we can ask Him to put the desires in our heart to live out His will! God bless you for dedicating your blog to living out your life as a flawed christian. We all are and that is what makes us real and children of the one holy and perfect ONE! Amen. You are very beloved!!!
Thank you, Tracy! I've been studying Jen Hatmaker's book Interrupted with a group of friends at church, and the topic of discussion lately has been centered around why so many people look down on Christianity and why life-long Christians decide to leave the church, that sort of thing. So it was really heavy on my heart that I needed my readers and any new passer-by's to know I'm not the type of person who thinks I'm "holier than thou" and I don't claim to know it all. (The timing happened to be around my emotional meltdown which made for a nice opening.) I'll never judge someone who comments or reaches out to me about struggling to understand their faith or who is having marital problems or is facing a difficult parenting situation. I'm willing to admit I'm a mess too! As a Christian, writing for God's glory, I represent the "church" and the One who created all things. I want to do so in a way that shines His love and characteristics to the world around me, not as one who doesn't associate with people who desperately need to know Christ's love. We all have to start our faith journey somewhere. Nonbelievers or lukewarm believers are more likely to be open to hearing about God from someone showing love than someone who is immediately judging them for their wrongs. Sadly I see a lot of the "judging" and "self-righteousness" in the Christian blogosphere too.
Rosann Cunningham recently posted..I Really Need You to Know…I’m Not Perfect
I love that God takes the broken pieces of our lives and uses them for His glory. As Tracy said, we are all broken. We say yes to God, in our weakness, and He comes in with His strength and offers life, hope and encouragement to others. I that you are "real" my friend. I had a breakdown today as well. Perhaps I will share in our FB group. It was bad!!!
Barbie recently posted..Simply Love
Oh Barbie, I'm so sorry to hear about your breakdown. Please, do share in our FB group. I'll be praying for you, in the meantime. God has used my brokenness so many times! It's unusual for me to walk into Bible study where I'm surrounded by so many sweet friends and just melt into a puddle of tears, and not really make much sense as I'm blubbering away. Lol! But man, it felt good to let it out! I still feel under some sort of spiritual attack though I can't really put my finger on what it is specifically, so if you'd pray for me too I would be forever grateful. Thanks, my beautiful friend.
Rosann Cunningham recently posted..I Really Need You to Know…I’m Not Perfect
Rosann would you believe I felt exactly the same way a few days ago.. We are just human and bound to feel down at times. And God is always there to take the broken pieces of our lives. Always be strong and surrender ALL your worries to Him!
Mai Bateson recently posted..Occupying the Biggest Part of His Heart
Thanks for your sweet encouragement Mai! I know I'm not alone in my weaknesses and I know nobody expects me to always put on the face of strength. It's okay for me to show I'm human just like everyone else. My friend who was consoling me during my meltdown reminded me that when others see I'm not this perfect person I appear to be, it's encouraging to them in their imperfectness.
Rosann Cunningham recently posted..I Really Need You to Know…I’m Not Perfect
Hey, nobody is perfect! And just the fact that you can admit to it makes you a wonderful peron, because admitting to being flawed is not easy...
Alexandra recently posted..An amazing app – Kids’ Vocab from MindSnacks
Haha! That's so true Alexandra. It took some serious courage for me to write this post. Thanks for your encouraging words. I really appreciate you!
Rosann Cunningham recently posted..I Really Need You to Know…I’m Not Perfect
What?? You aren't really SuperMom?!?
I really love this post. You are always so encouraging to others but sometimes you need a break too. You deserve to have your "not so perfect" moments. It's all part of being human. If you never broke down and always pretended to have it all together you would never get the encouragement you need to pick yourself back up in the difficult moments. And if you are not willing to accept a helping hand now and then you would never be in any condition to help others. I know that's easier to say and harder to put into practice.
Rachael recently posted..Can You Guess My Favorite Color?
Thank you so much for your precious words, Rachael. I've been on a glorious break and it was just what I needed. I'm started to feel refreshed and like myself again. Now I just need to make sure I maintain a healthy balance!
Rosann Cunningham recently posted..Super Blogger Spotlight: My Freshly Brewed Life
I know it was a hard post to write - but I get your felt better just "getting it out"!
Sometimes you just have to YELL it out to release that pressure.
It's unlikely that there will be ANY "UNsubscribers" from this post....us Mom's have to stick together and give a hug when a hug is needed! {{{Hugs}}} from San Diego.
Haha! Thank you for your very sweet words of confirmation, Elizabeth. I so appreciate you!
Rosann Cunningham recently posted..Super Blogger Spotlight: My Freshly Brewed Life