Today, a day where my confidence is in the toilet and I'm constantly comparing myself to others, God is pulling at my heart.
Will I ever be like all the others that are so good at what they do?
Where is my heart in this thing called life?
What path am I really supposed to be taking? Am I good enough to even consider walking that road of life?
Why don't I feel equipped for what I believe He's called me to do? Wait…what has He called me to do?
Why do I feel so conflicted between fear of the unknown and the need to follow my passion? What if I choose wrong?
Am I wasting my time?
When is it enough?
Do you ever feel those (or similar) questions burning in your mind?
Whenever I feel this way, God seems to find a way to remind me of the victories and the accomplishments that have grown me into the person I am now. But He also draws me in to Him. He pulls me closer.
This is a time when I realize I can't make the difficult choices without His guidance. I can't overcome fear of what the future holds without seeking Him for courage. I can't possibly know what path He has chosen for me if I'm too busy planning life as though I know all the answers. I truly believe He has a plan for me and it's a really good one. I just don't know what it is. It's almost as if lately, He isn't speaking to me.
Or, could it be that I'm not really tuned in and listening for Him?
So I'm soul searching. I'm giving myself time and space to hear Him.
The thing is, every morning my time is spent first with God. Then the running starts. No, not the physical running (I wish!), but rather it's the running of the race of life.
Rush here, rush there, do this, do that, go, go, go!
How on earth can I hear HIM in the midst of it all?
The past few years have been a non-stop race. We moved across country. We survived 3 years of recession related unemployment. I started a blog. I ran a half marathon. I wrote a book. I started a second blog. I grew leaps and bounds in my faith. And opportunities (really great ones) seem to be presenting themselves.
Yet I suddenly feel pulled to slow down, and I'm not fully sure why. Perhaps it's just for clarity, or maybe God is trying to show me something else.
Can you relate?
(I'm sorry if my stream of thoughts didn't really make much sense - sometimes you just gotta get it out - unedited!)
It might be quiet here for a bit as I try to figure things out. Don't worry. I'm not totally disappearing. I'll still be here.