Soul searching.
Every once in a while, it's truly necessary.
Today, a day where my confidence is in the toilet and I'm constantly comparing myself to others, God is pulling at my heart.
Will I ever be like all the others that are so good at what they do?
Where is my heart in this thing called life?
What path am I really supposed to be taking? Am I good enough to even consider walking that road of life?
Why don't I feel equipped for what I believe He's called me to do? Wait…what has He called me to do?
Why do I feel so conflicted between fear of the unknown and the need to follow my passion? What if I choose wrong?
Am I wasting my time?
When is it enough?
Do you ever feel those (or similar) questions burning in your mind?
Whenever I feel this way, God seems to find a way to remind me of the victories and the accomplishments that have grown me into the person I am now. But He also draws me in to Him. He pulls me closer.
This is a time when I realize I can't make the difficult choices without His guidance. I can't overcome fear of what the future holds without seeking Him for courage. I can't possibly know what path He has chosen for me if I'm too busy planning life as though I know all the answers. I truly believe He has a plan for me and it's a really good one. I just don't know what it is. It's almost as if lately, He isn't speaking to me.
Or, could it be that I'm not really tuned in and listening for Him?
So I'm soul searching. I'm giving myself time and space to hear Him.
The thing is, every morning my time is spent first with God. Then the running starts. No, not the physical running (I wish!), but rather it's the running of the race of life.
Rush here, rush there, do this, do that, go, go, go!
How on earth can I hear HIM in the midst of it all?
The past few years have been a non-stop race. We moved across country. We survived 3 years of recession related unemployment. I started a blog. I ran a half marathon. I wrote a book. I started a second blog. I grew leaps and bounds in my faith. And opportunities (really great ones) seem to be presenting themselves.
Yet I suddenly feel pulled to slow down, and I'm not fully sure why. Perhaps it's just for clarity, or maybe God is trying to show me something else.
Can you relate?
(I'm sorry if my stream of thoughts didn't really make much sense - sometimes you just gotta get it out - unedited!)
It might be quiet here for a bit as I try to figure things out. Don't worry. I'm not totally disappearing. I'll still be here.
Just…soul searching…
Rosann Cunningham
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It seems to be necessary for me often, Rosann. To stop/slow and search for His lead. I don't know if I'm that easily distracted or if I often don't submit fully --so I never go on auto pilot. Regardless, I'm so proud of you for heeding to the fact that that's what you need right now.
Often times for me, God uses this as a rest period. To fill me back up again. Because He knows I'm going to need it for the next stretch of journey. And the blessings on the next journey multiply as a result. And sometimes, it's simply a pep talk period. Gentle nudges of affirmation that I am doing what He has planned for me.
No matter what the situation is for you, because of your seeking heart, I'm certain God will use it for His glory. And that in and of itself makes me proud to call you friend.
will be praying for you and give me a shout out if you ever need to vent
all for Him,
Nikki
Nikki, I love your great comment. Thank you for your beautiful words of encouragement and support. I'm not really sure what's happening in my heart or perhaps my head, but I have this unexplainable feeling of needing to slow myself down and gain clarity. Check myself. Make sure I'm not spinning my wheels on something that isn't a part of God's plan. I'm an idea girl and I get so excited about all the possibilities. Yet I still need to properly manage my time and my life in a way that's glorifying to God. And when I write, I want it to be purposeful, helpful, encouraging for others. Not just me rambling on... if that makes any sense.
Wow Rosann... I always seem to resonate with your words. And I am writing a post right now that will go public tomorrow VERY similar to yours. Feeling God telling me to stop talking... and listen! I'm taking a blogging break for at least a few weeks. Our pastor would call it a sabbatical. But God is definitely calling me to stop and just focus on "soaking" in Him for a while. I guess He is preparing both of us for how He is getting ready to use us. Those questions and feelings of comparison you listed at the beginning of this post? Yep, daily struggle for me too. All I know is that I'm ready to GET READY for whatever He wants me to do next. I'm with you, sister.
Wow, Paula. I will be praying for you during your sabbatical. It's so hard not to compare myself with other faith bloggers and even friends, that seem to have it all together. I'm not perfect. I'm broken, flawed, and at the moment feel like I need my spiritual tank to be filled up. Maybe it's because I've missed out on 6 weeks of Bible study gatherings with my local friends because the meetings were on the same day that I volunteered to teach Youth Club at church. It was too much craziness in the schedule to try to make both events so I only did the one I had to be at. I also haven't been running (due to an injury), which has had me missing out on the awesome worship experience I usually get when I lose myself in the Christian music for 3 or more miles. My kiddos seem to be extra cranky with each other lately which is driving me batty, and my mind is generating more ideas than I have time to keep up with. I want it all! But I know not all of it is in God's plan. So I'm just taking some time to figure out what He wants me to do. I think I have an idea... but need more time to be sure.
Oh girl, I so hear your heart in this. I struggle with comparisons and insecurity. I try to remember that God's plans for me are unique, perfect and in His timing. So thankful we can walk together on this journey!
Shannon, thanks for your sweet comment. I'm thankful to know you and walk with you as well!