I have two young daughters, both uniquely awesome in their little personalities. Sibling rivalry has been rearing its ugly head in our home a lot lately and what's most disturbing is my girls haven't even reached those highly competitive school-age thru teen years yet.
My oldest is seven. She's your classic follow-the-rules-and-make-sure-everyone-else-does-too kind of girl. She's also an overachiever and highly competitive.
Full of energy and life, rarely is silence heard when she's in the room. I believe she loves the sound of her high pitched squeals and wants to be sure everyone else around her has an opportunity to hear her. She's quite confident that way.
Underneath the surface, my bright-eyed beautiful girl has an extremely sensitive heart. It doesn't take much to send her running to her room in tears certain she's had the worst day ever and her heart will never mend from being broken.
She is just like me in so many ways!
Then there's my four year old, who is what my husband and I jokingly (although at times we're concerned) refer to as our little wild child. She's incredibly smart for her age and loves to talk. To anyone. About our family's deepest, darkest secrets. Lol! {Do you have one of those little ones?}
She's also the girl who will start giggling uncontrollably and comment (all too loudly) on the bodily noises coming out of the woman in the bathroom stall next to us when we go out to dinner. Our baby girl is the family clown. She's always looking to get a laugh or a gasp out of someone in the room.
Even though she frequently compliments others, quickly offers a hug and loves to give kisses, underneath her surface is a sensitive heart that screams a screw-you-you-aren't-the-boss-of-me kind of response.
Ahem...
She is also like me in so many ways!
Some days they love each other and play together so well. Other days it's as if they hate each other to the core. On those bad days it breaks my mama heart to see them fight and carry on the way they do. One of my deepest desires is to see them getting along and loving one another as Christ has called us to love.
Some things they battle over:
- Who gets to sit next to mom at the table for meals?
- Who gets the Disney Princess plate as opposed to the Little Mermaid one?
- Who gets the identical red cup or yellow cup?
- Who gets to pick what they'll play? And who gets to be the person "in charge" in whatever they choose to play?
- Who gets to pick the TV show they watch?
- Who gets to like the color pink most?
Then there are things they battle over where there is NO competition because they are 3 years apart in age, like:
- Who can add 4+8 as opposed to 1+1?
- Who can spell the word DOG fastest?
- Who can do the better cartwheel?
- Who can swim to the end of the pool?
- Who can run fastest?
- Who can read through this Reader 1 book without missing a word?
Obviously when cruising through the bottom list, my oldest is going to win every time. I know it. She knows it. Yet she often feels the need to throw those challenges out there to her baby sister anyway. My little one can't help herself and agrees to the challenge only to end up crying in frustration moments later.
And so it goes... day in and day out. Drama. Tears. Screaming. Doors slamming.
Can you relate? Are your littles battling regularly too?
This has weighed heavily on my heart for quite some time.
I don't want my children to feel their only self-worth comes from winning a competition against the other. I don't want them to feel they need to compete for love and validation from me or their dad.
I don't want them trying to control each other, or treating the other like their preferences don't matter? I don't want them to be selfish in their choices.
Aren't we all like that, though? Aren't we all sinful, selfish, competitive, and seeking some kind of worldly validation? I know those words describe me! I try to be Christ-like, but I'm flawed. I fail.
So perhaps when our children are battling, and sibling rivalry is really becoming a problem, we need to look in the mirror first. How can I expect my children to know who they are in Christ if I struggle to live that truth in my own world every day?
We need to ask ourselves what kind of example we're setting for them in our own behaviors. Do they see us getting along with our own siblings and other family members? Do they see us reflecting a confidence that we are loved by God and His opinion is all that truly matters? Do they see us giving freely of our time, belongings, and hearts?
Are we giving our children enough one-on-one time, love, and attention? Are we praising their uniqueness with words of affirmation? Are we inadvertently holding too high of expectations over them...because they're so smart?
Of course, sometimes our children simply fight and gripe because they're in a mood. Or because they're 4 and 7. I think in those instances, particularly with younger children, we should be sure we're providing boundaries and structured play or activities to keep them stimulated.
One thing I've noticed is my children are at their worst when they're bored, tired or hungry.
Interesting... I'm the same way!
What about you? Is this a problem you struggle with in your home too? What have you found to be helpful in overcoming sibling rivalry?
Rosann Cunningham
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I had to laugh out loud likes the color pink the most. My brother and I bickered but it was nothing too serious. I am seven years old, so if I did argue with him or about him in a "he's touching me" kind of way, I was being immature. I have noticed a competition between Christopher and his neighbor friend. They are six months apart but his friend a grade ahead. Christopher is bigger though. So they both have things they try to one up each other about. When there's a sleepover usually that "tired" competition comes into play. I enjoyed this post Rosann.
Kenya G. Johnson recently posted..Beaming with Pride...
Lol! Thanks for your comment, Kenya! I was the baby and the only girl so my brothers used to pick on me so much. It's interesting because my husband was the oldest child in his family. So in our parenting I naturally tend to "side with" our baby when the girls battle and my husband naturally "side's with" our oldest. We try not to fall into that trap but our own childhood experiences often rear their ugly head when we parent. Lol! And yes...they actually fight over who can like the color pink the most. One time they even got into a screaming battle over an imaginary friend, because my oldest was being mean to the little one's "friend." Exasperating, I tell you! Lol! Funny that Christopher has found a friend close in age he can be all boy competitive with.
Rosann Cunningham recently posted..The Truth Behind Sibling Rivalry
Oh yes, this is definitely a big issue for us. My older daughter (4) is crazy competitive. She wants to be first in everything. If it's not perfect, she goes nuts. Her twin brother can't out-compete her right now so he then turns to bully his little sister (2) in return. My poor 2 year old! And it's totally over the stuff you mentioned. Like, who gets to open the cereal cabinet this morning? It makes me nuts!
My approach lately has been to have "do overs". If what they just did isn't how Jesus would want, we talk about how they think Jesus would do it (putting others first) and then they show me what that would have been in that case. I give them extra praise when I see them being thoughtful. Thoughtful right now means putting someone else first since that is what we're working on. Now my oldest daughter is competing to be the most thoughtful. lol It's a journey, that's for sure! But you are right about modeling it. I realize that sometimes Bryan and I argue in front of them and that is not great. We need to model thoughtfulness more explicitly...go out of our way to do it! Thank you for that reminder.
Natasha, how funny that your daughter is competing to be most thoughtful! That is something my girls would do...but come to think of it, that's a competition I'd love to see! Haha! I've even added "filling someone's love bucket" to their weekly chores (we are on a point system for earning a prize of their choice...I provide the choices they can choose from) as an added bonus of extra points. They do it, but it's not coming from the heart... it's only because they want something in return, which means I need to rethink that strategy. Lol! You're right, parenting is a journey for sure! I'm thankful I don't have to do it alone. God is very much a part of that journey with me...and of course my hubby too.
Rosann Cunningham recently posted..The Truth Behind Sibling Rivalry
Oh yes...nodding along with this one. Right now the girls aren't *so* bad, but a few weeks ago? Ugh!! it's crazy how competitive they are and they are so young! Sophie loves to be first and in charge, and Bella is finally stepping up and pushing back on those issues....which means lots of tears. I'm thankful that they aren't purposefully hurtful to each other and are quick to say sorry if they cause pain, but oh my goodness!
We actually have duplicates of most things since they always want the same item or toy. I remembered my parents doing that when my brother and I were little since we were also close in age. While at times it seems so silly to buy 2 of something that I know one of them will like, it has made things easier, since the other one will inevitably want the same thing.
It's a process, for sure!
aurie recently posted..My Confession and a #ProjectLife Update
Hah, how well you put it - completely opposite personalities, both come from one parent...I know it too well! I have a girl (5) and a boy (7) and they have their moments of joy and peace but they argue a lot, too. But I remember myself and my brothers and I think it is normal for the kids to act like that from time to time. It teaches them social skills although at some point it can be devastating to the parents....
It is pretty amazing the things they can find to fight about isn't it? I know I wasn't any different as a child. I specifically remember fighting with my siblings over who would eat out of the yellow bowl. Not because any of us particularly loved the color. No. The yellow bowl was a different shape from the other bowls and thus was clearly superior. Right.
Rachael recently posted..WIWS: The Dress
I have 2 older children (a 25 year old daughter and a 23 year old son) and a toddler! When my older 2 were younger and sibling rivalry reared it's ugly head, I told my kids that it wasn't acceptable to fight with each other over "silly things". I encouraged them to find ways to appreciate each other and be friends, as there would be many times over their lives that they would have only each other. Like childbirth, I'm sure the memory of their "fights" has severely faded over the years. lol
I have 4 kids, twin boy/girl 9 year olds, a 6 year old and a 20 month old. The 6 year old boy always feels left out. He was the baby until we had our youngest daughter so he always feels like everyone is picking on him, leaving him out and just generally wronging him. The boys like to pick on each other, and although I got away from it, I made them do push ups or sit ups when they fought. If they whined about the sit ups they had to do more. I also used it for whining. Think I will start up again.